Looking for Leeroy

[i_salted_dean]

Sam's legs where shaking slightly as she stepped through the teleportal at New Haven and came out in front of the BnB. She wasn't surprised that he'd come back to his family. They probably had experience in helping one another through the hard times; the kind of thing she'd never had time to learn.

Behind her Rob stirred uncertainly, but she only glanced at him before forcing herself to go up the walk and the stairs and knock on the door.

-Lord, give me strength,- she prayed. -Help me do this right. Please, work through me.-

She felt the familiar answer and sighed.

Comments

[sadri.livejournal.com]

Sadri answered the door with her vaguely manic grin firmly in place.

"Sam! Hi!"

She stepped forward to hug the other woman, but then stopped short. "What's wrong?"

It was written all over her face and all over the Force.

[i_salted_dean]

"Is 'Roy here?" asked Sam tiredly.

Rob just tried to hide the bruise on his jaw and looked worried and sheepish.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

Sadri frowned slightly.

"No, he's not here. D'you want to come in, though?"

[i_salted_dean]

"Yeah... no!" Her eyes went wide at the sound of an infant voice raised in ire. "No... um... hey... you're walking."

[sadri.livejournal.com]

Sadri blinked and stared at Sam.

She didn't want to come in because of Celeste. Something about the newborn had Sam on edge.

"Yeah, I am. Thanks to der Geist." She shook her head and grinned. "Do you want to talk outside?"

[i_salted_dean]

"That's great," said Sam quietly, trying to tune out the baby's crying. Then she nodded. "Sure, I guess... sure."

She looked up at Rob. "Go on in and have something to eat."

"Sure, Grandma." He frowned, but obeyed.

[i_salted_dean]

"This isn't a good time to be talking about stuff like that." She looked away.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"When will be a good time? When you and Leeroy are no longer together and the guilt actually kills you?"

Sadri spoke with quiet conviction. "Drop the stiff upper lip, Sam. You're just going bottle it up so much that in the end you won't be able to come around from it. I know you want to put on a brave face for everyone back there. I know how you are. But whatever's screwed you so badly that the best thing that's ever happened to you is about to be destroyed is a much more serious matter than everyone's comfort level."

She grinned.

"Further to that you know I'm just going to grill you until you tell me so you can deal with it, right?"

[i_salted_dean]

The thought of no longer being with Leeroy nearly staggered her, though she didn't show anything outwardly.

Instead she was silent till Sadri seemed ready to speak, then shook her head slightly. "Give it to God and get over it... that's what we're supposed to do, right?"

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"That, and ask Him for the strength to do it. You might find that it's only when you accept things as they are that real change comes about."

Sadri kept walking.

That in and of itself was her particular testimony.

[i_salted_dean]

Sam nodded and kicked a stone. "Not much point in not accepting things. It's done, and not accepting it won't change that."

Said her mind. Her heart still... didn't agree. She quashed the feelings ruthlessly, as she'd always done when anger tried to surface.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"That doesn't mean that you should not reflect on how you feel," Sadri said gently. "You should. And you should talk about that with someone. With Leeroy especially."

[i_salted_dean]

"I fight the spooks and I fight the enemy." Sam shrugged. "That's all I know."

Other than that she loved the family that God had given her and didn't want to be separated from any more of them.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"Yes, it's all you know, but it's not all you are. Ask Leeroy about that when you see him again."

The look she dealt Sam was meaningful.

[i_salted_dean]

Sam wrinkled her forehead. "Child of God?"

[sadri.livejournal.com]

Sadri sighed. "Yes. And as such you can be more than just a soldier. Your job shouldn't define your life. So let yourself feel, let yourself react to what happens to you. If you turn your back on your humanity you'll..."

She paused, and was forced to look away as she remembered her own past.

"You just won't end up in a good place."

[i_salted_dean]

"I did that. Leeroy didn't take it very well." Another rock got kicked as she resumed walking.

[i_salted_dean]

"We never learned his name. But it was the thing that bit my leg off."

And killed most of the people that she'd been closest to over her life.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"Ah."

Sadri pondered this for a moment.

"Do you think it's wise to let it rule you?"

[i_salted_dean]

"I've spent most of my life fighting him so he couldn't," said Sam quietly, her feelings calming as she reached out to God.

-But now that fight's over.- She blinked.

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"At this point it seems like he still has." Sadri grinned. "Don't hold onto your fear. Hold onto your faith. You're protected. You don't need to act like everyone's out to get you... you can be happy."

The words weren't even her own, it seemed.

[i_salted_dean]

"Fear?" Sam frowned at her uncertainly. Was she afraid? Of things other than losing Leeroy?

[i_salted_dean]

"Yeah." She paused to catch her breath as her movement made the bruises hurt, wincing as she felt Leeroy's grief. -I'm coming, 'Roy.-

[sadri.livejournal.com]

"When you go in there," Sadri said, "tell him what you told me."

[i_salted_dean]

"Yes." Sam squared her jaw against the discomfort, and then was up the walk and through the front door before she could think. "Roy?