So I Thought

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

He hadn't meant to leave like that. Or to say what he said.

Or maybe he actually did.

For the first time ever Leeroy was suffering mentally. Normally his "hit the problem as hard as you can" viewpoint was all he needed to get around some agonizing incident. He dealt with it, acknowledged that it had happened and moved the fierfek on.

Oh wait. He never really had agonizing incidents. Those were most definitely Sam's forte.

When his thoughts drifted to his wife, instead of the warm flush of love he normally felt, now he felt bitterness. She always did this. Always reached out to others to validate herself, to encourage her that whatever happened was not her fault. Maybe it was that she didn't know how to be on the other side of that situation. Maybe she was too self-centered to realize that other people could hurt too.

He felt like she just didn't get it. Matthias' ill-timed conception wasn't her fault. It wasn't his, either. It was just that: ill-timed and not necessarily meant to be. Leeroy hadn't thought of it that way right away - he too blamed himself and hated himself for what was happening. However, he'd managed to look at it rationally and pull himself out of his funk. But Sam still didn't see it that way.

It was depressing - no, infuriating - that Sam would hold to her stupid self-loathing. He'd gotten over it; why couldn't she? It was even starting to affect her spiritually, and he didn't even know what to say about that. What the hell sort of God lets a wall exist between Himself and someone who really needs Him to be there? His own shaky beliefs were starting to crumble.

These thoughts and more circled through his head as he walked up the stone walk to Ven's recently repaired house. It was a clear day, there was a vivid orange sunset on the go, painting everything in colours of fire.

He rang the doorbell.

Comments

[what-the-ven.livejournal.com]

When Ven opened the door he knew there was something very wrong with his brother.

"Spill it," he said, motioning for Leeroy to come inside.

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

The house was strangely quiet, Leeroy noted, as he kicked off his boots and sat down on the couch.

"Where are Sadri and Shae?"

[what-the-ven.livejournal.com]

"Sadri's over with Sal and Shae's hanging out with Albus. Now don't change the subject. What happened?"

[random_xtras]

Kurt looked at the younger man as he took a long pull at his beer. "Sal und I now have three daughters. Wolfen has somevone to help her give poor Stephan grief."

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

Leeroy cracked open his bottle and stared into it for a moment. "Already? Wow... Is she okay?"

It was good to know that it was still possible for life to happen despite his situation. He drew strength from this small revelation, and prayed that eventually Sam would understand this too.

[random_xtras]

"She's fine. Big und healthy, und louder than Vic." Kurt took another drink of beer and set the bottle out of the way and said quietly, "Rob called the night that it happened."

It was clear that the 'it' he was talking about wasn't Celeste's birth.

[random_xtras]

"Neine. I could only stay vith her und offer vhatever support she'd let me give." Kurt reached for his beer and took a drink, his face mirroring a little of the anxious pain of those days. "Healing takes time."

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

Leeroy drank too, and fell silent, mentally chewing on Kurt's words.

Then he spoke up.

"How did you deal with it?"

[random_xtras]

"I focused on caring for her und das kinder, und held onto Got vith everyzing that I had."

[random_xtras]

"Ach." Kurt leaned forward and grasped the younger man's shoulder. "Let it out. It vill help."

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

He shook his head.

No, this wasn't helping at all. It was only making him feel more stupid. More like a failure.

Still, he just couldn't stop.

[random_xtras]

"Aaach." Kurt couldn't hold back the tears that rushed to his eyes. "But... I thought that you und Sam...." He shook his head. Better not to go there.

Instead he reached out and squeezed Leeroy's shoulder again.

[i_salted_dean]

And then the door opened and Sam strode through. "Roy?"

[random_xtras]

"Ach!" He started worriedly. "Sal vill be vondering vhere I vent. I said I'd grab the clothes und come right back."

[sadri.livejournal.com]

Sadri laughed. "I'm sure she realizes you're here. Still, if you don't want to get lit on fire..."

[i_salted_dean]

She leaned against him and rubbed her face. -Ohhhh, I don't want to call Dad.-

"I think I need a drink."

[what-the-ven.livejournal.com]

Ven stood up and headed for the kitchen.

"D'you want water, or something harder?"

[i_salted_dean]

"Yeah. Thanks." Sam looked at her friend and almost got a smile going, but then turned her eyes to Rob as he came over uncertainly, his face warring between wanting to smile because he was glad to see them again and wanting to crumple because he still wasn't sure what to think of the punch.

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

Leeroy sighed, remembering what had happened earlier, but smiled at Rob nonetheless.

"Sorry about that."

[i_salted_dean]

-Yeah....- She thought about her home reality and wondered if her kids would be safe in a place where the yellow-eyed thing's offspring still roamed at times.

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

Leeroy laughed again. -I'd rather we not have to worry about things like that.-

[i_salted_dean]

"Isn't that the mainland?" She quirked her eyebrows quizzically as she finished the beer.

Rob abruptly followed his uncle and aunt into dreamland.

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

He hugged her. "Yes, b'y, it is."

[i_salted_dean]

She folded her jeans and automatically put them within grabbing range, then lay across the bed and poked him in the side. "Sarcastic."

[teh-rest.livejournal.com]

"Glad you noticed." He grinned widely.